When I began college and realized I could make myself as busy as I wanted to be, I grasped excitedly at this new way of living.
So until the start of this summer, I really spent the last two years not allowing myself to think more than necessary. Self revelation, I knew, was a slow and often painful process.
And it, like many things, terrified me to the point of careful and intentional avoidance.
Fast forward to today when I’ve been going through about two months of internal processing. Some days I am full of joy, confident in my identity and able to see my worth.
Some days are like today where I wish I were a lot of things that I just don’t amount to.
If I were confident and captivating, I would no longer need to vie for attention, would no longer find myself spoken over.
If I had some true talent, would I not be seen? If I were lovely, would I not be pursued?
If I were independent, I wouldn’t wonder what others thought of me. I wouldn’t apologize for every action or word that spills out of my mouth and I wouldn’t feel the need to constantly build walls in fierce protection of my heart.
I wish that no matter how many times someone might try to convince me otherwise, I didn’t believe this all to be true.
And perhaps some of them are.
But there are two parts the self revelation.
The painful part.
And the aftermath, the part we are compelled by.
So, I am slowly allowing God to stitch back together the things I know to be true in my heart – that my identity is in Him – and the places my mind sometimes goes that leave me broken.
And I’m learning to be okay with self revelation.